Still More Answers to Questions You Never Asked

Sooner or later you're going to learn that if you actually ask me questions, you won't have to endure these periodic made-up questions that I inflict upon you. But, as of yet you haven't learned - so endure you must.

Heard of any frivolous lawsuits lately?

As a matter of fact... there just happened to be one written up in the Waldo Independent this week. It seems that a couple from Maryland is suing one Abbott Pattison, of Lincolnville, Maine. It seems Mr. Pattison, a sculptor, had various pieces of his sculpture displayed at his house and property. When the couple was visiting the Pattison residence with their son, the boy was injured by a piece of sculpture that fell, "striking him and causing him to sustain serious personal injury."

According to the lawsuit, Mr. Pattison "owed a duty ot use reasonable care to protect persons lawfully upon the premises from hazards arising from the placement of the sculptures" and alleges that Pattison failed to take "reasonable and necessary measures to properly secure the sculptures to prevent them from falling, failed to post notice of the dangerous condition of the sculptures, failed to block or barricade the sculptures so as to prevent persons from entering a zone of danger near the sculptures and was otherwise careless, reckless, and negligent." The suit also claims that Pattison knew or should have known that children would visit his home and not realize the risk involved by playing near the sculptures.

So what is so frivolous about this lawsuit? Well, it seems that it is not Pattison that is actually being sued, but his estate. You see, the alleged accident occurred while the Maryland couple was in town attending Pattison's memorial service. Shame, shame on the man for not anticipating his death and childproofing his residence accordingly. I'd go on, but I have to get busy posting notices and blocking and barricading "unsafe" areas in my house. After all, you never know when...

Is crime bad in Maine?

You bet! Witness this latest story out of Gouldsboro. It seems that the local mail carrier (news reports were careful to note that he had a contract to deliver the mail, he was not an employee of the US Postal Service) was arrested for stealing underwear from women on his route. The arrest came about as the result of a sting operation in which law enforcement officials had the postal carrier deliver a package to a woman's home at which they had "planted" underwear on the clothesline in her backyard. He took the bait and was summarily arrested. The sting was developed in response to a resident who noticed that every time a package was delivered to her home, she ended up missing some underwear.

After his arrest, police found a cache of women's underwear in the suspect's home. Kind of makes you wonder if it is actually the dryer that has been eating your "matching" socks all these years.

What's the most reasonable request that a reader has asked of you lately?

A man from "north of Bangor" wondered why I never write anything about northern Maine, explaining that "there is a lot going on up here." I agree - other than my forays to Baxter State Park and Moosehead Lake, I haven't really explored, or written about, the north country. So, "north of Bangor," keep checking in and I promise I'll remedy the situation soon.

What's the most unreasonable request that a reader has asked of you lately?

That I cut down on my typos. Actually, I've heard this from a number of readers. One has even offered to be my proofreader. Picky, picky, pickey. I think your all just beeing a bit too crittical. Sure, maybee a typo or to sneaks in hear and then, but is that any reason two jump down my throat?

How's the house building coming?

Well, the weather has cooperated wonderfully, but various other elements have conspired to slow things down to a crawl. Or at least that's how it seems at times. On the plus side, all the concrete has been poured, the carpenters are on site full-time now, and the well has been dug. On the minus side, I still don't have electricity - but that's a story for another time.

How do Mainers plan on ushering in the new year?

We're all retreating into our underground shelters with our shotguns, deer meat, Moxie, Budweiser, Uncle Henry's, and satellite dish and waiting out the apocalypse. Be sure to print out all the back issues of Life in Maine so you have something to keep you entertained when the communication infrastructure breaks down.

Do Mainers really have an accent?

Ayuh. Well, that is, if you can find a true Mainer which, as we all know, is someone who has was born here and who's ancestors have lived here for 300 years or so. The farther inland and north you go, the more likely your are to run into this person. I've also found that they are also prevalent in the building trades (that is, unless they are one of the Connecticut refugees who also seem to be everywhere - makes me wonder who is left back in Connecticut to build).

When you do find this actual native, you will likely find that the conversation is one-sided – they'll understand you, but you won't understand them. It's not that they won't be speaking English, it's just that the accent is kind of "thick," so you'll have to strain to pick up on what they are saying. Sort of like how the parents are the only one that can understand a toddler when they first start talking.

Then there are the colloquialisms. First, rip off the "r"s at the end of words where they belong, and replace them with an "ah." For example, "lobstah" and "Mainah." Then take these "r"s and put them in places they don't belong, like "idear" and "Donnar." Throw in a jumble of local phrases like "wicked pissah" and, combined with the accent, you'll have a language that only remotely resembles English.

How is Stephen King doing since he got whacked by that van?

All I know is that he's back at home in Bangor working on another book. Believe it or not, he doesn't talk to me personally, so I have no inside information. Obviously, he's intimidated by my writing success and doesn't want to encourage me.