Updated on February 13, 2004

The North Woods Diet

The "South Beach Diet" is all the rage these days. You can't turn on the TV or walk past the tabloids in the supermarket checkout counter without seeing something about it. Truth be told, other than the fact that it is one of these "low carb" diets, I don't know anything about it. What does a diet have to do with a beach, anyway?

What you can be sure of, however, is that somebody is getting very, very wealthy off of the South Beach Diet. That is, they were until now. That's because as soon as the country gets word of my "North Woods Diet," the "South Beach Diet" will be as passe as a Backstreet Boys concert.

The beauty of the North Woods Diet is that it's not a low carb diet, nor is it even a low calorie diet. In fact, you can eat as much of anything as you want - bread, meat, junk food, you name it. But enough of this titillation, let's take a look at how the fabulous North Woods Diet 5-day plan works.

Day 1

The first day of the North Woods Diet begins with an ample breakfast at a local eatery. There are many options available, but I would recommend the Appalachian Trail Cafe in Millinocket. There, your eggs, toast, hash browns, bacon, and hot chocolate are served with a healthy dose of cheerfulness by a waitress that is far more awake than you are, but has the good sense not to be "perky" at this time in the morning.

After breakfast, the vital component of the North Woods Diet kicks into high gear. You get in your car, drive northwest about 20 miles, park near Abol Stream, place ALL of your food, clothing, and supplies for the next five days in a backpack and sled, put on a pair of x-country skis, and hook the sled to your hips. For even more calorie-burning fun, make sure you do this while standing in a brutally stiff wind in single-digit temperatures.

Then, simply drag the 100+ pounds of food and gear over winding, up-and-down trails through the woods for 12 and a half miles. If you're like me, this task is likely to take about seven hours. So, if we conservatively estimate that x-country skiing up hills while dragging 100+ pounds burns an average of 900 calories an hour, you are looking at a total of 6,300 calories burned. Add that to the 2000 calories or so that your body normally burns just to keep you alive, and you are now looking at 8,300 calories burned away in just one day! Chances are you're not going to be able to eat enough food to cover that deficit - especially when you consider that what you can eat is limited by what you can carry. Now the beauty of the North Woods Diet is starting to come into focus, isn't it?

For lunch on day 1, feel free to eat a 3-inch stick of pepperoni, an apple, a powerbar, some pita and hummus, and as many raisinettes as you can stomach.

For dinner, after you've finally managed to pull you and your sled the full, miserable 12 and a half miles encompassing a net 900 foot increase in elevation, relax and enjoy two cup-of-soups, a heaping plate of chicken and couscous, yet more chocolate, and your choice of nuts, gorp, or other handy snack.

Day 2

Similar to the first day, Day 2 of the North Woods Diet begins with an ample breakfast. This time, you'll be dining on tasty breakfast burritos consisting of tortillas, turkey sausage, cheese, and fake scrambled eggs (real eggs are a bit difficult to carry reliably in a sled). Have a couple - no need to skimp.

Today's exercise regime begins with packing, as once again you have to place your entire world into a backpack and sled. Today, however, for a change of pace, you will be snowshoeing rather than skiing. And although today's exercise routine will be much shorter than yesterday's, just to keep things interesting, we'll throw in a bit more of an elevation gain.

Once again strapping your sled to your hips, you'll depart from Roaring Brook campground and head up the Chimney Pond Trail to Chimney Pond Campground. Over the course of the 3.3 mile trail (see, I told you it would be a shorter day) you'll gain about 1,200 feet in elevation. All of this while pulling a 100+ lb. sled, of course.

For the sake of simplicity, let's say that we're burning around 1000 calories per hour on this leg of the "diet." Today's trip will take about four hours, which, when combined with your 2000 "keep me alive" calories, means that you'll burn at least 6000 calories today. This diet stuff is easy, isn't it?

During my research for the North Woods Diet, I found that Day 2 was quite a bit more pleasant than Day 1, despite the fact we were dragging sleds up steeper terrain. Other members of my research team had differing opinions, indicating that they much preferred the skiing. Whatever. I didn't develop this diet to make you happy, I developed it to make you lose weight.

For lunch today, have a few more cup-of-soups, some salami, and other assorted snack foods. It's a relatively short day, so feel free to snack throughout the day as you sit in the comfort of the wood stove-heated bunkhouse and breath in the rich aroma of body odor and sweaty clothes.

For dinner on Day 2, help yourself to Tuscan Chicken Stew, replete with beans, spinach, vegetables, and noodles. Take a second helping. Wash it down with a splash of red wine or Murphy's Stout. For dessert, eat as much junk food as you can stomach while listening to the wind blow and watching the snow pile up. Keep remembering, if you don't eat it, you have to carry it out!

Day 3

Today is your lucky day! The wind has died down and the snow has stopped. Dine on a hearty breakfast of oatmeal with brown sugar and get prepared to summit Mt. Katahdin!

No packing today. No pulling a sled. You do, however, have to tackle an elevation gain of approximately 2,300 feet over the course of 2.2 miles. Don't forget your snowshoes. And your ice axe. And your crampons. And water. And extra clothing in case of emergency.

As a reward for making it half way through the North Woods Diet, you will be treated to a beautiful view of dense fog on Baxter Peak, the summit of Mt. Katahdin.

Be careful on the way down, those chunks of granite don't always behave nicely under your crampons.

Today's trip takes about 5 1/2 hours. Without the sled to pull, we'll estimate that you're only burning 800 calories per hour. That still gives you 4,400 calories to go with your 2,000 "everyday" calories for a total of at least 6,400 calories.

What's for lunch? How about more soup? And finish that salami. And have some more chocolate.

Dinner? Try the jambalaya with sausage. For dessert, fill up on Oreo cookies! Go on, have another.

Day 4

Getting a little tired of all that exercise? Don't despair, we (and Mother Nature) have built a "rest" day into the North Woods Diet. It's -6 degrees out, with sustained winds of 30-40 m.p.h., giving us wind chills in the -50 range. Relax. Read a book. Listen to the sides of the bunkhouse rattle.

Of course, you don't want to be completely immobile - that would be wasteful. After eating your hearty pancake and Canadian bacon breakfast, and consuming a few more cups-of-soup for lunch, it is time to bundle up and head out into the frozen abyss to gather water. Strap on a sled. Snowshoe across Chimney Pond and find the small break of open water between the boulders on the south shore. Scoop up five gallons of water, haul it back on the sled, and then pump it all through a filter into your ever-handy water bottles.

For dinner, have a few heaping helpings of "Chicken Glop." And more junk food, of course.

Sure, this wasn't a calorie-deficit day, but hey, you earned it.

Day 5

Wake up, sunshine, you've got a busy day! Choke down that oatmeal, you're going to need it for the 15.8 mile haul back to Abol Stream and the vehicles.

Once again, begin by packing everything you own. The good news is, with all that eating, the pack is a little bit lighter. And snowshoeing downhill is a heck of a lot easier than uphill. What the heck, have fun - you can even ride the sled down part of the trail. Just watch out for those trees, though.

Once you get back to Roaring Brook Campground, change back into your skis. Take a few minutes to enjoy a chuckle about the fact that on the way down, Mark's sled misbehaved and went plunging off of a bridge into a "wet spot." Then prepare for 12 and a half more miles of torture, er, um, I mean exercise.

For lunch, eat whatever you have left. Eat whatever anybody else has left. Eat whatever you can find.

After seven hours, REJOICE! You are back at your vehicle! We'll give today's "diet" session about 800 calories per hour, since a lot of it was downhill. So add that 5,600 calories to 2,000, and you have a 7,600 calorie day.

Go back to the Appalachian Trail Cafe. Order a big dinner. Order soup. Eat, eat, eat - you're on a diet after all.

Epilogue

Well, there you have it - a surefire, 5-day plan to a thinner you. Start sending those royalty checks my way.

There is one minor flaw in the North Woods Diet, however. During my test run of the diet, I found that I managed to lose exactly 1 pound. So those of you who want to lose something a little more significant, like 10 pounds for instance, may be in for a bit of a workout. How does the 50-day North Woods Diet sound?