Are You Ready to Join the MAFIA?

In the booming economy of the past ten years or so, many places around the country have experienced explosive population growth. Along with that growth has come a host of unpleasantries, such as overcrowding, traffic jams, increased crime, and unchecked commercial sprawl. And while Maine has had its share of change, it has, for the most part, been relatively unscathed by the population boom. Some parts of the state, in fact, have actually had population declines over the past ten years.

However, it appears that growth is at last catching up with Maine. Waldo county, where I live, is the fastest growing county in the state, and southern Maine is starting to resemble "Suburbs USA," with its growing collection of fast food restaurants, chain stores, and strip malls.

This creeping growth has not gone unnoticed by us Mainers. In fact, it has become the topic of concern at town meetings and planning boards throughout the state. Whether we were born here or found our way here from other places, there is nearly universal consensus that we like things the way they are. And the way things are going, the way things are - "The Way Life Should Be" - will soon be a thing of the past.

Troubled times call for drastic measures, and our politicians have stepped up to address the growth menace. The head honcho himself, Governor Angus King, has taken the lead in an all out assault on the suburbanization of Maine. Last week, he called a rare unscheduled news conference to introduce a bold new initiative to the Maine people. Recognizing the fact that closing our borders would likely not stand up to a court challenge, Governor King, with the full support of the legislature, announced the start of a grassroots effort to stem the tide of unchecked growth throughout the state. The program, "Mainers Against Flatlander Infiltration, Ayuh," (MAFIA for short), has become the number one priority of the King administration.

"The goal of the MAFIA program is simple," King explained in his address to the citizens of the state. "We plan to do whatever it takes, within the limits of the law, to discourage out-of-staters from relocating here."

When Mr. King was reminded that he, himself, was an out-of-stater, having come from Connecticut, he quickly replied, "Timing is everything. I'm here. They're not. Too bad for them. I'm declaring that from this moment on, everyone who is now residing in the state is considered a Mainer. Anyone who is foolish enough to move here after today will always be considered an unwelcome flatlander and will be treated as such."

While his words were harsh, they were music to the ears for those of us who had moved here from other places and were constantly being reminded that we were "from away." No more would we have to suffer the slings and arrows of the "natives" who felt our opinions, no matter how well argued, were worthless merely because of the fact that we weren't born here.

The governor went on to explain that the primary strategy of the MAFIA initiative is to make Maine as unattractive as possible to visitors, thereby discouraging them from relocating here. However, while this strategy appeared to be a sound one, a reporter at the news conference was quick to point out that such a strategy would not only discourage those who might be thinking about moving here, but might also adversely affect tourism, which represents a leading source of income in the state.

"Won't this end up putting a lot of people out of work?" the reporter asked.

"Oh, quit your whining," the governor snapped back. "They can just go work for MBNA like everyone else."

So just how are we Mainers going to go about discouraging flatlanders from relocating to the state? The legislators have that all figured out, having come up with a "12-step" program for turning the state into a hell-hole of unsightliness and disgust. So, without further ado, here is the MAFIA 12-step program for annoying the non-natives:

1. Take all steps necessary to make driving on the turnpike a nightmare. Use the so-called "New Jersey Plan," which consists of widening the turnpike to eight lanes and putting up toll booths every two miles. Limit the number of booths per plaza to two, thereby requiring all traffic to merge into two lanes at each plaza.

   All toll collectors will immediately be subject to desensitivity training to wean them from the practice of smiling at customers, saying "thank you," and giving dog bones to canines who are riding in the car with their owners. Each collector will spend a week with toll collectors in Massachusetts in an attempt to learn the fine arts of scowling and indifference.

2. All towns will implement a "maximum building standards" code for new construction, which will dictate that all new housing shall be, at a maximum, a double-wide with optional vinyl siding. Special tax incentives will be given for those who omit siding altogether and for those who start, but leave uncompleted, an extension to the dwelling made of 2x4s nailed to the trailer.
3. The long-standing ban on billboards will be immediately lifted.
4. All towns with a population over 1000 will be required to have one Rite Aid drugstore per every square mile of area. Towns which already exceed this quota will be required, instead, to have one Irving gas station for every square mile of area.
5. LL Bean, which has been open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, since it's inception, will be required to close periodically, on a totally random basis, without notice to customers. To make the shopping experience even more unpleasant, the number of parking spaces in Freeport will be reduced by 3/4ths.
6. Property taxes will be based on the amount of time a property owner spends in the state per year, with the highest taxes being assessed on those who spend the least amount of time in the state. This initiative is to discourage the "summer complaints," who buy up all the oceanfront land, but only spend the nicest months in the state. The oppressive tax burden should make a majority of these people put their properties up for sale, thereby flooding the market, bringing down prices, and allowing the "natives" to once again be able to afford the oceanfront property they sold for a song years ago.
7. The price of lobster to non-Mainers will be set to a minimum of $25/pound.
8. All visitors to the state will be required to eat a McDonald's lobster roll - supersized.
9. New logging regulations will require clear-cuts of at least 1000 acres for all logging operations.
10. The moose hunt limit for this fall will be increased to 30,000 permits, in an attempt to rid the state of these annoying, tourist-attracting creatures.
11. All of Maine's lighthouses will be auctioned off to the highest corporate bidders, with the understanding that the new owners will cover the edifices with their logos and charge royalties on any pictures taken of the structures.
12. Tax incentives will be offered to any residents willing to run full-time yard sales and flea markets on their properties. Special financial consideration will be given to those who collect all of their "treasures" from the local transfer station.

It's hard to say whether or not these initiatives will be enough to stem the tide of population growth that faces the state, but they are certainly a good start. Residents interested in learning more about MAFIA can order an informational pamphlet from the state.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a yard sale to prepare for.

Copyright ©1999 by Greg Closter (closter@acadia.net)