More Answers to Questions You Never Asked
About a year ago, when I couldn't think of anything else to write about, I wrote a column called "Answers to Questions You Never Asked" where I presented a list of questions and answers that I fabricated out of thin air. For some reason, that column was very well received (that's marketing speak for "a couple of people said they enjoyed it"), so I thought I'd reprise it this year. I suppose that means you could call it my "annual" installment of "Answers to Questions You Never Asked," but that would be a bit presumptuous, now wouldn't it? Sit back, relax, and enjoy this year's installment and we'll worry about next year next year.
At the bottom of the page, you say you update the site every two weeks, yet lately you've been very lax in meeting that deadline. What gives?
In order to write about life in Maine, I have to live it, so I've been busy living it. Well, I must admit I've spent a bit of time living life in New Hampshire and Massachusetts and Nevada and California and others as well, but I couldn't very well write about that in a site titled "Life in Maine," now could I. I suppose I could adjust the name to accommodate wherever it is I happen to be writing about, but that could get a bit confusing for your readers. And besides, calling this site "Life in New Hampshire" would be a bit of an oxymoron, now wouldn't it?
Just what are these "black flies" you complain about so often?
Ah ha ha ha ha ha - you innocent, little reader, you. If you have to ask, then you haven't had the misfortune of meeting these pesky little creatures face to face. First, let me explain what they aren't. Black flies are not your common house fly. They are not the biting flies you find at beaches. They aren't really what you'd think of as a traditional fly at all. What they are are very small, biting, insects. But they aren't gnats - they're bigger than that. They aren't particulary quick - you can easily kill them with a slap. What's the problem, then? They have strength in numbers. While you're busy swatting the ones on your arms, their brethren are attacking your ears. While you're swatting your ears, they are busy biting your ankles. Try as you may, you will not win. That is why these disgusting little vermin that are no bigger than a grain of rice have the power to drive the mighty moose out of the woods and onto the roadways and the paths of on-coming cars.
I've been told that my past writing has not adequately expressed the "discomfort" caused by black flies. I will readily admit this is true. That is because no matter what I write, I could not come close to describing the pain and torture wraught by these beasties. If you truly want to find out for yourself, come and visit the woods of Maine some time in the course of the next month or so. Then write and tell me how much you enjoyed them. The best story gets a free bottle of Ben's 100 insect repellent (effective for a short time, but the black flies STILL win).
Now that you've finally gotten a digital camera (thank God, we were tired of hearing you whine about it), what is your favorite picture you've taken with it?
It is difficult to pick a favorite, because they are all so spectacular. Well, okay, some of them aren't so special. Okay, some of them suck wind. But given the canvas I have to work with - that being Maine in all it's natural glory - I have come up with quite a few pictures that I am quite pleased with. So, instead of a single favorite, I offer these three as standing out a little bit above the others in my personal opinion (to really appreciate these, you'll need a monitor that can support 16-bit or 24-bit color).
This picture is a sunrise in winter, with the sea fog swirling up from the bay. This was taken in Belfast, pretty much outside my front door.
What the following picture lacks in interest as far as the sky goes, it makes up for in composition. The dinghies clustered around this pier in Camden harbor nicely frame Mt. Battie in the background.
The following picture is another sunrise, pretty much from the same perspective as the first picture above. It was difficult to choose from among the sunrise pictures - both because many of the sunrises were so spectacular, and because, looking back, I was impressed that I got up early enough on so many occasions to take these pictures.
This next picture is a personal favorite because I think it effectively captures the power that the position of the sun has on the quality of a picture. The barn in the picture is nothing spectacular - it has a black roof and is painted a rather featureless light greenish-beige color. But the early morning light reflected on the building turns it into a glowing gem.
You said you were going to show three favorite pictures, but it sure looks like four to me.
Cut me some slack - so the page takes a little more time to load - I worked hard to get the pictures, so I might as well throw an extra one in there. Quit your whining.
Where are you going on vacation this year?
Some people have told me my life is a vacation. But hey, they're just jealous. My "big" vacation this year is going to be an attempt to scale Aconcagua, the highest peak in South America (22,800+ feet), in December. As you can imagine, this is no small undertaking, and I'll take this opportunity to shamelessly beg for sponsorship from all the benevolent individuals and companies out there. Come on, LL Bean, I always speak highly of you - can't you spare a nice down sleeping bag for one of your fellow Mainers? And how about you, Cadillac Mountain Sports, don't you think you could come up with a nice pair of crampons to help make my climbing easier? Hey Apple Computer, how about some spare PowerBook batteries and a wireless modem so that I can report from the field? I love all you guys, but I'd love you even more if you'd give me stuff.
What's the strangest things Mainers eat?
It's all subjective, so you be the judge: lobster (sure they taste good, but they are pretty darn ugly), clams and mussels (really ugly), fiddleheads (you eat ferns??), moose, dandelion greens, tripe, those bright red hotdogs, day lilies, lots of beans, boiled dinners, and clam flavored potato chips.
Where is the Northeast Wolf Center and when does it open?
The center is located at 190 Water St. in Hallowell, Maine. The grand opening is at noon on May 22nd. Come and check it out.
How is Jasper doing?
Jasper is showing the usual signs of dog old age, but is healthy, happy, and apparently content, even if he doesn't get brushed too often.
Do you get tornadoes in Maine?
I've lived here for about 12 years, and in that time I recall tornadoes being reported in Maine on one occasion. In that same time, we've experienced two "detectable" earthquakes, about a half dozen fizzled-out hurricanes, maybe the same number of blizzards, a rather bothersome ice storm, a monster flood, and 2.8 billion black fly bites. So I'd say we've fared a lot better than a lot of other places in the country.
When is the best time to vacation in Maine?
Again, that's entirely subjective. But to help you come to some sort of decision, I offer the following guidelines:
January: Damn cold
February: still damn cold
March: cold, damp, gray
April: windy, no bugs, no leaves, not much of anything
May: spring bursts forth, black flies
June: black flies and mosquitoes
July: tourists
August: lots and lots of tourists
September: ahhhh!
October: pretty leaves, no bugs, ahhhh!
November: cold, windy, no leaves
December: go visit your parents for Christmas
Can I take the flannel sheets off the bed yet?
What's your hurry, you just took the Christmas wreath down. No, leave them on - it still gets down in the 30s at night. Don't want those tootsies getting cold.
How will Y2K affect Life in Maine?
I would start hoarding the Life in Maine columns now - you can never be too sure. For a mere $9.95, I will sell you Life in Maine Y2K insurance, to ensure you don't miss a column. Isn't a little piece of mind worth 10 lousy bucks?
Will you be on time with the next installment of Life in Maine?
That's entirely subjective. What is "time" anyway?
Copyright ©1999 by Greg Closter (closter@acadia.net)